Every Behaviour is Trying to Get a Need Met
You may know that I counsel couples, having trained with Dr Stan Tatkin, Dr Tammy Nelson, Dr Emily Nagoski, and been one of the top tantra teachers in the 90s. I’m a romantic, but over the years I have seen that love is a skill, not just a verb!
Esther Perel talks about the 7 Verbs That Shape the Way You Love that include: To Ask, To Take, To Receive, To Give, To Share, to Refuse, To Play and Imagine. Some verbs we are stronger in as we have had the modelling growing up and some we need to practice more, for some people, this is to ask, or to refuse!
In relationships we often ask of our partners to be someone they have no idea how to be, they haven’t developed the skills through modelling, we even fight for it thinking this will change it, rather than see it as lacking the internal software that needs support in developing. We have this hidden concept of normal that we expect the other to meet, without ever discussing. ie ‘My expectations in this relationship are….(Add yours here).’ ‘What I would like to be guaranteed in this relationship is…..(Add yours here)’. ‘What I can guarantee in this relationship is …(add yours here)’.
Inherent in our protest behaviour or the push and pull, are fundamental needs that are trying to be met. Often in relationships the fundamental needs driving behaviour are:
- Do I matter to you? (Matter)
- Am I safe? (Safety)
- Are we connected? (Connection)
Words are not enough!
Graduating from Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, Max Neef developed a more comprehensive list of fundamental needs. Inherent in every behaviour is a need trying to get met yet we have not taken the time to identify the need that is eliciting the behaviour.
So here are a few pointers:
- Identify a behaviour that you keep doing, or a reaction that you have.
- Is there a solution you are asking the other to give you? or fighting for?
- Ask yourself, ‘If I had this solution, what would it then give me?’
- Use the Needs sheet to identify the need that is trying to be met
- Then ask yourself, ‘How could I begin to give myself this need?’
- Then ask yourself, ‘How can I ask another to support me with this need?’ Remember there are only conflict of solutions, there are never conflict of needs.
- Putting it into a sentence whilst staying close to your own needs means owning the problem. The sentence could look something like this,
“I miss connecting (need) with you and I find myself getting overwhelm when I don’t feel connected. Would you be willing to make some time to do something together throughout this week, so that I feel closer to you?”
- Pop the need in the middle of the relationship for both to take care of rather than expecting one person to satisfy all your needs. Shift from pro-self and just getting your need me at the expense of the other, to pro-team (the WE gig) where both parties get their needs met. This not only strengthens the relationship, self esteem of each other, but also meets the needs for fairness, mutuality, sensitivity and justice.
I propose a 30 day challenge, supported with a few tips and that is to ‘Bring the Spark Back Challenge‘. Over the next month find ways to bring the spark back in your relationship such as:
- listen for needs; your own and your partner’s,
- to find ways to connect, intimately or otherwise
- to support novel experiences (creates new connections and long term memory)
- rediscover what you do well together
- make time to find what you can both do better in the relationship
- play and imagine – what are you favourite games?
- discover how to make each other laugh, then rinse and repeat
- discover how to bring out the best in each other, so you get the best from your partner!
As a community this is an opportunity to share your experiences your insights, what works for you and what doesn’t. We would love to hear from you
Bring Back the Spark Challenge starts today!
