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  • Are You an Island or a Wave?

    Are You an Island or a Wave?

     Soothing Each Others Nervous System in Relationship

    by Brenda Sutherland

     

    Winter is a time of regrouping, revisioning, renewing as we are asked to go inwards and assess what is working and what is not, at the same time rest. Over the last weeks I have witnessed many couples fighting more than usual, separating or contemplating separation. One of the key factors missing in staying connected and creating a secure functioning relationship is understanding how to:

    1. Keep each other safe                                  2. Stay connected daily
    3. Soothe each others nervous system           4. Misreading cues
    5. Identify each others attachment styles        6. Protect vulnerabilities
    7. Manage Thirds (Competing Forces)    

    These are only a few!

    The missing information, is its not personal, it is psychobiological.

    How do you trigger your partner off? As Stan Tatkin author of ‘Wired for Love’ puts it

    “There are No Angels, No Devils in relationships” 

    If your partner is an Island (Avoidant) do you give them an escape route when you ask them to connect, or demand they hop off their island immediately? Key: Give them an escape route: i.e. “When you are ready…” “I don’t want to stop you from what you are doing but before you go could you hug me” 

    The reality is Islands need an OUT (as they are auto-regulators – I do me) and need an exit route to be available.

    If your partner is a Wave (Anxious/Angry-Resistant) and reject your praise, feedback do you retreat or approach them with loving words? Key: Go towards them with loving words, even if they reject them!

    Waves (external regulators – you do me) need an IN i.e. loving words, as their greatest fear is to be abandoned and rejected. But here’s the key a wave attachment style will reject the first loving words just to see if you can hold them, then if you approach again they soften.

    We are complex yet so simple when we develop a manual, from a psychobiological approach, on each other!

  • I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    I’ll do it for you, even if it costs me my happiness

    An insight into Family Constellations 

    Maria was distraught. For two weeks now she had been having panic attacks and didn’t know why. She was desperate for them to stop, as they were worsening. This was the reason she had found her way to counselling. Two weeks prior her partner of five years had asked her to marry him and she had said ‘yes’ and with such excitement she told her family he had proposed. The next day though she found herself getting extremely anxious, doubting whether he would be a good husband or father, not trusting his ability, questioning who she had been living with over the last five years. As the days went by her anxiety grew, until she found herself experiencing full-blown panic attacks. What had happened?

    Maria’s panic attacks are not unlike many symptoms that appear that are connected to the family lineage, as we are part of the family soul.

    What is the Family Soul?

    We all are connected to a family system or soul that reaches many generations past. We are limited by this history as well as strengthened by our ancestors. A family system is governed by:

    • the need to belong; those who are born into a family (whether survived or thrived), brought into a family through marriage, or who have taken a life from this family, in other words, ‘those who belong’, belong. If anyone is excluded they will be represented by a family member. This is often seen in children of divorced parents, whereby a parent has been criticized by the other, out of hidden loyalty the child will side with the parent excluded and criticized. We are only at peace when everyone is included.

    • the need for social order; This ensures everyone is given their rightful place. In a literal sense, this means those who come first, come first. For example, partners take precedence before children unless in a blended family then each others children come before the new partner. We are born into a special place in our family, that is the first born’s place is before the next child and so on. If out of place, a child will feel burdened, be treated as a parent, or may take the place of a lost child or previous partner resulting in strange dynamics.

    • the need for equilibrium; that is the balance of giving and taking governs the sharing of resources, but also ensures that which has been taken is given back to maintain equilibrium. We feel innocent only when equilibrium is maintained and guilty if it is imbalanced or righteous and embittered if we give too much and do not receive.

    Systems Thinking

    The majority of therapists look at issues presenting within a client on a personal basis, such as ‘what does the client need to change, integrate, realign within themselves for this issue to be resolved?’.

    A Family Constellation facilitator looks beyond the individual or person engaging systemic thinking to look in the direction the symptom (in this case panic attacks) points to within the family system to bring to light the entanglement.

    As members of a family we are symptom bearers pointing to what has not been resolved in the family system. We are all connected, and our soma, behaviors, reactions, emotional patterns or struggles often tell a story of what beckons to be acknowledged in the family that was unable to be resolved, or seen back many generations. We are in subconscious devotion to the family system and all who are connected to this out of love and to ensure the family system stays balanced.

    An indicator that a client’s presenting issue is systemic is that the symptom or issue persists no matter what interventions are applied. The dynamic is: ‘I have this symptom and I don’t want it’, and the family soul says ‘that is how it is’ until this is acknowledged.

    Words are Worlds

    Back to Maria’s panic attacks. My question on hearing her story would be: “who in the family (lineage) would be panicking about marriage?” In Maria’s case, together we looked in the direction of the panic, tracking it using a genogram, noticing hotspots such as accentuated words. She explained that her grandmother (mother’s mother) was Italian and grew up in a little village in Italy, was Roman Catholic and on her honeymoon her newly wed husband announced that he had a mistress, who was pregnant. So ‘who would be panicking around marriage?’ Grandmother!

    This highlighted the systemic principle belonging (as the mistress had to be included in the family as well as the child born of this affair) and the guilt and innocence governing belonging. As a symptom bearer Maria was reliving Grandmother’s panic. Clients have access to the entire family system therefore a simple visualization to include everyone and the panic attacks disappeared. She married her partner and now has a child.

    Your body tells the family story

    Family or Systemic Constellations gives the client a new somatic experience of what they know in their gut to be true. The format this can be done within is

    a) a group whereby participants are chosen to represent a member of the family and are placed to highlight the dynamics between each and the governing principles in play, or

    b) in ones minds eye as a visualization whereby the facilitator gains all necessary information from the client, words, their soma such as eye gaze, breath, how a client holds their body, attachment styles and the clients intention or

    c) using props such a figurines, stones, shells, or seeds that represent family members. How these are placed in relation to each other and the feelings invoked by each allows the facilitator to gather a picture and prove a new healing picture.

    I will do it for you

    Many years ago a client came to see me, she frustratingly spoke about having spent thousands of dollars trying to cure her chronic fatigue to no avail. I asked if she was an only child of divorced parents and with complete astonishment she said ‘yes’    My question was: “who is she holding the burden for?”

    Wanting to see if my hypothesis was correct I asked her to close her eyes and picture her parents in relation to herself, where would they be standing, she said “either side of me and I am standing in the middle!”

    A child out of their absolute love for both parents will do anything to bring about balance in the family by holding the burden. As hubris as this maybe it is not their job, each child is the little one with a need to take their rightful place, their social order in the family, i.e. those who come first come first. The client leaves their parents with their fate. Holding such a burden or taking a position in between parents holding the burden is too much for a child to hold causing chronic fatigue.

    The healing picture or remedy in this case was to ask the client, ‘what is one movement she could do to change this?’ In her minds eye she took one step back so the parents could look at each other and address what had yet to be dealt with between them and in most cases see the love that remains.

    A week later she very excitedly rang to say that she had no chronic fatigue symptoms and hadn’t for a week. She is symptom free still to this day.

    We all come from perfect families

    The family soul continually, as does nature, moves to bring about balance, to acknowledge those who are excluded, to ensure everyone has their rightful place in the family, and the balance of giving and taking is equal.

    The Awakening Group offers weekend workshops in Family Constellations, webinars with international facilitators and Facilitator training programs throughout Australia www.student.awakening.com.au/courses Brenda Sutherland is available for individual sessions.

  • Meeting in Love

    Meeting in Love

    A Return to Innocence by Brenda Sutherland

    Take a moment and think of your intimate partner. Become aware of the feelings present. If your experience is wholehearted joy or a quiet stillness then your connection with each other is of deep intimacy. If you become aware of tension or issues for example: frustration, disapproval, neglect, stress, unsupported, anger or loneliness then your intimate connection may need reviving. Most of us at some time in our life experience both.The reasons why can be overwhelming whilst the solution can be simple and uncomplicated. As you picture your partner take your awareness to the issue; allow the feeling to be present, rather than the story. Invite the feeling into your body, breathe into it and let it rest there, without trying to fix it or alter it, just letting it do what ever it wants to do. The mind does not have to understand it, or its origin, or discover a solution, in order for the feelings to dissolve.

    “ We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses” Carl Jung

    Take this a step further. On picturing your partner, invite them in, breathe them in relaxing on the out breath. This may take relinquishing a posture you upheld to protect yourself, but the invitation is to take the risk to love wholeheartedly in this moment. Surrender to the invitation.

    Most of our struggles are an attempt to be loved and/or feel love. This invitation ends the struggle. For many the other disappears and there remains stillness, a moment of empty wholeness. Spirit becomes the guide. Our sexual experience has the same invitation – surrender wholeheartedly and let spirit be the guide. We have no choice as our frustration, anxiety, disappointment, stress, fears and resistance all point to the need to embrace and surrender in our intimate relationships.

    From Love ‘Making’ to Meeting ‘in‘ Love the premise behind “normal” lovemaking is that there is something to get, to strive for, to ultimately achieve, to ‘make’ love. It is action based and gives the mind much to take care of. Alternatively, love maybe viewed or experienced as ever present. Therefore lovemaking maybe experienced as ‘meeting in love’, a surrendering to that which is already present, moment by moment. There is nothing to do but let love reveal itself.

    Many couples have experienced, on first meeting, authentic and heart felt loving. Due to demands of work, children, illness, unresolved hurt, old psychological patterns, sexual habits or not understanding each other’s intimacy needs, sex becomes mechanical, alienating both. Couples have usually strived to be sexually normal by pursuing sexual performance without understanding how to connect, to recognise the symptoms of being disconnected and then create the circumstances to reconnect. For some, real connection remains an idea or is deferred until the right time or until they have the time, resulting in increased anxiety and stress, relationship conflict, seeking pleasure elsewhere and the widening of the gap between each other – ending in relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.

    “The long established norms of sexual behaviour in the West have created psychological barriers that restrict inner growth. These “hang-ups,” inculcated by parents and social institutions, have doomed many people to lives of permanent frustration. A desperate attempt to conform to a conventional, though possibly unnatural “norm” of sexual behaviour restricts individual development and may lead to furtive perversion and damaging guilt feelings.” ~ Nik Douglas & Penny Slinger

    When sex/lovemaking remains an intellectual act women find themselves feeling closed off, rigid, frightened, distrusting, ashamed, disappointed and angry yet not understanding why this is as their love for their partner remains. For example, the subtle movement by a man to ‘go for it’ and ejaculate will trigger a women to close off because she feels him shift from his heart into his head. Similarly, when woman pursues her own orgasm, the man experiences the moment when she’s moved from her heart into her head..

    Moving from the heart to the head creates a feeling of being used, or “done too” as many women put it and her heart closes as has the man’s. It is not intentional but consequential. The cycle continues when the woman doesn’t speak up because she doesn’t feel her man is present, wants to give him what she thinks he wants, but then finds herself emotional without knowing why. A deep sense of trust is needed, especially for women, in order for their body and heart to fully open. Many women also experience anger after lovemaking due to their deep sexual energy not being ignited with only the top sexual desire being touched. Lovemaking remains as an act and does not graduate to a deep spiritual union. Men generally, on the other hand, find themselves trying to capture the WOW factor in relationship, yet discover that their intimacy and sexual experience is more and more mechanical, a chore with the mind wandering and the experience devoid of sensual connection or long-lasting satisfaction.

    The problem then is that the urge is to increasingly try to find ways to cultivate the desired feeling with more extreme practices or measures. ‘…….access to orgasm has not brought about long-term satisfaction, physically or emotionally. Somehow, “having” sex, as one “has” other things, seems to be self limiting. Using sex for relief, entertainment, or reassurance that one is attractive appeals to needs generated by the ego but diverts attention from our real sexual potential.’ ~ Margo Anand

    Tantric philosophy created a pathway pointing the way to sacred fulfilling sexual union; gurus have lit the way to enlightenment; relationship experts have spoken and hypothesised about the gap between men and women and the resulting conflicts that arise; but for many the frustration remains. For many couples Tantra or Taoism practices are daunting and fraught with mechanics, the unknown, is time consuming and feeds fears that already exist. For instance: the difficulty with Tantra, as with any philosophy, is that we impose our ideas of normal sexual goals, neurosis and performance strategies onto it. Therefore Tantra eventually becomes something that is done, another technique with goals that should occur and performance measured in comparison to an ideal. The ego tries to encapsulate its idea of what it would really feel like to surrender to spirit. It is inevitable that the mind does this, the disadvantage though is that it further alienates us in relationship and we remain dissatisfied and frustrated. Opening to Love There is a simple opportunity however to return to sensual sexual innocence, to Meet in Love, despite the minds neurosis around sex.

    Meeting in Love’ is an opportunity in relationship to surrender to ‘that which you are’: higher consciousness, divinity itself, spirit. To honour that in this moment there is nothing to get, to achieve, to conquer, to follow (including pleasure) or aim for. These urges, strategies and the minds chatter are not denied, they are witnessed and embraced as aspects of our mind and personality but are not representative of our true Self. It is an opportunity to let your spirit meet in love, to move you in love, to ignite the passion, sexual energies and the grace of sacred union. It is an opportunity to say ‘Yes’ to who you are, to each other and how you are without trying to change anything or anyone.

    Meeting in Love is anew every time. Letting your ‘spirit’ be the guide. It is an invitation to allow the urge to perform, to please, to achieve orgasm, to bring another to orgasm, or retract exist in our sexual experience without pursuing them in lovemaking. The gifts in surrendering to what is allow desire, urges, feelings or issues to pass without effort. Remaining is the ever-present spontaneity, wisdom and aliveness of spirit. Trust, ultimately needed to feel our bodies open up and surrender, is cultivated naturally through Meeting in Love. As a woman experiences her man not pursuing any goal her body relaxes, opens deeper and deeper and energetically connects with him. Men experience a deeper sense of potency, aliveness and esteem because the connection with his partner is authentic and liberating. There is a saying that ‘women need love so they are available for sex and men need sex in order to experience love’. Meeting in Love satisfies both genders’ needs simultaneously. Meeting in Love is an exquisite opportunity to be humbled, whilst acknowledging that the wisdom of spirit far outweighs our arrogance and striving. As we allow ourselves to be humbled, our sensual sexual innocence emerges accompanied by subtle intermingling of sexual energies on a soul level. Surrendering to trusting spirit takes us to deeper levels of intimacy, sexual bliss and ecstasy. Osho highlighted this when he said:

    “Nobody knows what is going to happen. You are simply left in the divine vortex. It will take you, and it will take you wherever it wants. You are simply available, ready to move with it. You don’t direct it – you have simply become vehicles. Let energies meet in their own ways.”

    To begin with this is challenging as the mind searches for something to do, to capture and resolve through stimulating ideas of how to, issues, goals, strategies and the like.

    Meeting in Love may initially reveal feelings of being exposed due to the habitual way we operate in lovemaking to protect ourselves. For example: women may perform to please their men disguising their fears and mistrust of men. Men may perform and aim for ejaculation for many reasons, e.g.: a feeling of release, it’s pleasurable, habitual and disguises the confusion regarding how to perform or satisfy. The problem lies in the gap that is created when sex is performed as a cerebral act. The sensual sexual exquisiteness of melting together moment by moment is missed. And frustration in various forms is prevalent. However after a time of making a commitment to meet in love the initial nervousness and issues of the mind subside and the mind becomes a servant to spirit bowing down to allow our intimate connection to be one of wholeness, oneness, rejuvenating, joyous with boundless energy and love. The game goes something like this: surrender, connection and sensual bliss is experienced, then the mind realises the body is experiencing bliss and oneness and the mind tries to own it and reinvent the feelings – now you are following the mind, so the feelings and connection subside. Then you realise you are in your mind and you let go/surrender into each other and the connection appears again and the cycle continues. This is natural. At some point you witness the ego wanting to own the experience – when there is no movement to follow it, surrender remains.

    Meeting In Love To ease moving into Meeting in Love there are a number of principles needed to understand:

    1. Love is ever present even if we’re not presently experiencing it. We are held within Love and are Love itself. Every movement we make is a Movement in Love.

    2. Each person is honoured as whole therefore there is nothing to change or achieve.

    3. Responsibility is held with oneself. Responsibility can be viewed as the ability to respond to one’s ‘heart’s desire’ moment by moment.

    4. Vulnerability is the key to an open heart and authentic intimacy (in to me see).

    5. Be willing to surrender to what is, let energy move you. Surrender means to let this moment have you, to ride the waves of sensual sexual bliss without trying to capture them.

    Meeting in Love is not something you can do, it happens by divine grace.

    Meeting in Love

    • is not confined to ability, sexual functionality and can be indulged in by young and old, abled or disabled, the ill and frail as spirit will always guide the meeting.

    • enlivens tired parents who are too tired to “make love,” yet needing to remain connected whilst supporting their children.

    • ignites libido without strategy, rebuilds trust and intimacy, relaxes, resolves longstanding issues preventing intimacy, dissolves cellular memory, opens your heart to love deeper and whole heartedly.

    • reconnects you with each other with longer lasting results, often without ejaculation or genital orgasm. Yet none of this can be achieved if you go looking for it, it is the job of spirit in its own time and pace.

    • David Deida speaks to men by saying: Moment by moment, practice loving through your woman and the world, allowing the force of your surrender to transform every moment into an orgasm of divine dissolution.

    Embrace every moment of experience as a lover, and trust whatever direction love moves you. Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.”

    Creating the Setting for Meeting in Love:

    1. Talk to each other about making a commitment to Meeting in Love. Speak about not fixing or resolving issues but suggest voicing them initially, so the mind does not continue entertain them, leaving the meeting of spirits to take care of this.

    2. Take time to Meet in Love without distractions. Don’t wait until you feel good, or sexual bring how you feel to meeting in love. If you are not sure why you are feeling angry, unsettled, frightened, upset then Meeting in Love is fantastic for allowing this to appear, move through you and then support your return to a sense of peace.

    3. Lay together. To begin with gently look at each other in the eyes. Breathe as this allows feelings and energy to move freely through you. Honour each other, in whatever way you like, as the doorway to the truth of who you are, and for the courage it takes to be vulnerable and authentically intimate.

    4. If issues such as mistrust, fear, guilt or revolt come up or an urge to “go for it” arises, briefly voice them without discussion or trying to fix it, following it or owning the other’s issue. Invite these issues into the togetherness by accepting them in your body without following them or trying to change anything. Breathe. Give the issues over to spirit, allowing spirit to resolve them.

    5. Feel yourselves melt in each other’s arms and for a time allow nothing to happen. This allows for the mind to surrender in trusting spirit to move in love.

    6. Be available to whatever happens. There are no rules, goals or right way or wrong way. For some women, lying with her partner’s lingam (penis) inside her yoni (vagina) creates an energy circuit. The man does not need to be erect but can be flaccid and relaxed.

    Although pleasurable for both it is not necessary to do more than to surrender to spirit. Many men find this a relief as it helps them let go of the need to perform whilst women can feel her man’s presence, and open to trust. Head to Heart

    How do you know when you are letting spirit move you in love?

    Within the movements or no movement the experience maybe of having no energetic separation between you and your partner. The body takes over the mind, knowing exactly what to do and when, with seemingly little to no effort. There are high ecstatic peaks and sensual valleys of energy, exquisite intimacy, wild passion, a deep wordless energetic connection sometimes with orgasm, sometimes without, sometimes with penetration, sometimes without. The next time you Meet in Love it maybe completely different. That is the wisdom of spirit. When you are following your mind it produces a slight mechanical experience and disconnection of energies changing the experience from sacred union to sex, from oneness to pursuing orgasm. If this appears, voice it and stop or slow down whatever you are doing and surrender to spirit, to this moment, the reconnection will be there as spirit guides you.

    For some Meeting in Love is a relief, an end to a life time worth of questions.

    “You do not need to do anything, just remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, just wait. Do not even wait just be quiet, still and solitary, and the universe will expose itself to you. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet’ Franz Kafka

    We can alter the environment, the furniture and yet the fact remains the universe has no choice when surrendered to it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

    Bibliography:

    The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

    The Book of Secrets Vol 2 by Osho

    The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand