There is this myth that not being honest supports the security in a relationship. In truth the amygdala perceives silence as a threat then turn cultivating an anxious environment around you whereby a partner knows you are hiding something.
So what if you cultivated an environment on radical honesty, sharing your ideas, opinions, fantasies, fears, all those hidden things that you perceive as unlovable?
How do you do this?
Well it is about ownership. It is not to share in a way that blames the other, but to own; this is what is happening inside me, using “I” messages and staying close to self empathy. The key though is also being able to shift gears and hear how it is received by the other as they digest this new information about you.
Declarative “I” messages are a great way to start, include your feelings and the fact (not an interpretation). For example:
- “I really love quiet time in the evenings, sitting with you and doing nothing”.
- “I enjoy creating things with you and having something to look forward to.”
- “I am really nervous about going to see your family.”
Or Positive “I” messages (include your feelings and the effect the other has had on you):
“I really appreciate all the care that you take with me when we are out in public as it makes be feel safe around you.”
“I am delighted by that work that has been done as it relieves me of the responsibility and another thing I thought I had to do.”
Or use a Confrontative “I” message, include facts (what you can actually observe), feelings, and the effect behaviour has on you. The key here is stay close to you and what is happening to you to avoid “YOU” messages. For example:
- * “I am really confused about what is said and the actions that are taken, as I am trying to match the two and they seem incongruent to me, making me anxious.”
- “I am saddened by that comment and wondering your thoughts behind it so that I can begin to understand as I am triggered by it at the moment.”
The Hidden Secret
The reality is that all the energy that is spent hiding those things that you don’t like about yourself is then used to live, connect as you come alive. Another part of you gets to be embraced.
In a world where we are often lied to practicing Radical Honesty enlivens your world and the world around you.
